Erroneous feelings Confusion, not grief Just mixed up what would be’s Wrapped in disbelief Chaotic day spinning Around me again A mix of emotions Not sure where or when My head here is pounding Underneath my skull Not sure how I get through The thick of it all Children now sleep Comfortably in their beds No worry, no danger Just dreams in their heads We long to be children They long to be grown So many questions All answers unknown Can’t quiet the voices Perpetually droning Can’t stop the writing Ink keeps on flowing
Night falls and sleep cant find me again. A dim glow from the bathroom seeps through the cracked door. My husband let’s out a low, rattling snore, physically sated for tonight. I adjust my pillow under my head, hoping it’ll be enough to beckon slumber to lie down by my side. It isn’t, and she doesn’t, the selfish bitch. My mind reels. Was nice finally having some time with my husband. It’d been awhile. Crap, what if he doesn’t really want me anymore? I have put on a few pounds. I’m pretty disgusting to myself. I mean I wouldn’t fuck me would I? I really need to find a day job. What if no one wants to hire me? Need to remember to buy Jay shoes. I cant believe I forgot to buy him shoes. I think E’s shoes might also be too tight. Ugh! I’m such a bad mom! Oh crap mom! Did I forget to take her to her appointment or is that next week? Water bill is due tomorrow. Hope there’s enough to cover that and groceries. Oh no, did I pay the light bill this month? The dogs really need to go to the vet. Shit, forgot to put the clothes in the dryer! Can’t remember if I locked the front door. Please mind just shut the eff up! Holy hell, now I have to pee. Sigh
I’m not who I was yesterday. Yesterday fades behind me. Moments carried away by the winds of the present. We fumble around in this world. Unsure, clinging to a reality made by those who have fallen before us only to feel just as lost as when it all began. How we blindly seek the unknown. Longing for change, only to realize that the change terrifies us. Leaving the familiar for the unknown, it shakes us. We cling to the comfort of our tattered faded memories hoping the unknown brings us better days. If only we knew the subtle signs giving us direction weren’t just a trick. If only the sign “Happiness this way 👉” was blatantly obvious and the intentions of those around us were truly meant for our success. We are all here, lost and wandering, pushing forward, hoping, praying, that tomorrow is better than today.